"Period"

"Period"

This story takes place that night we met the Milf.

James and David leave Michelle's hotel room and me and her go right at it. But of course she's just like any other girl so she makes me have the condom talk. Thank god I brought some with me. Well now thats done with, we start having crazy animal sex. Sereously I think I went deaf for a couple of days from this girl moaning so loud. After a good couple hours im pretty tired and need a little break. Hey two hours of that kind of sex would make even Ron Jermey tired ok.

After like ten minutes and since the horny fuck machine that is Nick Holmes, we start going back at it. Now this is the part that has scard my life forever on. Ladies and gentalmen cover your childrens eyes. We just started and It starts to feel really really wet. Im not talking about pussy horny wet either, a different kind of wet. Now even though I may be the king of sex, im not THAT good so a girl cums in a minute. Well I might be able to do it if i actually tried, but hey sex is for me not her so who cares. So i start to get confused here. I look down and I see little blood spots on the sheets. Im also a little drunk so that makes me flip out even more. I pull out of her and see that my dick is covered in blood. Yes blood, like im about to shoot her in the fucking head blood. She looks up at me and says calmly,

" O, looks like its that time of the month".

Yea you think bitch. Like she knew it was happening and yet she still let me continue. Miss Anne Frank over here could of at least courtesy tapd or somthing. I dont even let her finish her sentence. I run to the shower and wash my dick . That just wasnt doing it for me, I felt like I needed ghandi to pour holy water over penis or somthing.

So now im debating, what do I do now. Do I take the knife on the counter and do her amican physco style, or do I just throw her off the balcony.

Well.... I did neither.

I go get the vodka bottle. Suck on its teet of life, then go back to having crazy animal sex. Damn, my gloryous moment turned to shit just like that.

I must thank god for inventing the trojan condom because who knows what kind of shit that dirty cherry popin bitch would of givin me. In my opion the trojan condom is the greatest invention of the 21st century and thus no other condom even compares. Thank You god for keeping my penis clean

"Whisky Dick"

"Whisky Dick"

The Definition of Whisky Dick: A man's inability to get a boner, due to too much booze in his system.

The Party

It was my brother Adams 21st birthday. My parents decided that they'd throw him a party at our house. Of course since he's turning 21 there would be a bar and not just any bar. The best kind of bars. An open bar. Usually the sequence with open bars goes like this

Free drinks = more free drink = vomit = drink = sex with hot girl, or at least seemed hot at the time = vomit = drink = passed out.

That's the guy's scenario. The girls are completely different for some reason. Thiers is more like,

1 free drink = being a slut = being rejected = crying = crying = vomit = crying + vomit = being knocked out by Nick for vomiting on his bed.

So I couldn't wait to get there.Now I don't know who's going to be there since my brother was inviting all his own friends. So I'm not expecting much on the hot girl scene. My new Mission, Get so fucked up I see Jesus wrestling Elmer Fudge.
I show up at the party around 7. I walk in and see about 60 people toasted off there asses already. Immediately I got five people shoving drinks in my face, I guzzle 'em down with grace and perfection.The no hot girl scene can go right out the fucking window because there was this gorgeous blonde staring at me. Here's how the scene went with her

1. She starts giving me the googley eye
2. I walk over and start talking to her
3. We go over to the side of the house were nobody else is so we can get more friendly
4. She throws up right in front of me
5. I walk away
6. She starts crying

The Challenge

After I ditch Blondie I see my brother Adam and his buddy. I walk over to them. He tells me his buddy has this drink that I wouldn't even dream to take. Adam just challenged my man hood, and Nick doesn't back down from any challenge. Now this drink that he's referring to is called a triple shot. It's been band in five countries and once killed a man. Its pure vodka mixed with gin and whiskey or something like that. Now let's get one thing clear he told me it was a shot, like out of a shot glass. BULLSHIT. It turns out that this drink practically fills one of those plastic red cups. Again, Nick doesn't back down from any challenge. There's only one thing going on in my Mind at this moment, I'am I going to die at a young age. Adam challenge my manhood, so I challenge his pussyhood. I tell his buddy to make Adam a triple shot.

If i'm dieing tonight i'm not going alone.

We both have our death drinks in hand. We look at each other. Say our good byes and chug it. I can almost feel my heart stop as the drinks going down my throat.

This is the beginning of the end for my penis.

It turns out the triple shot has a delayed affect. It takes about 20 minutes till you start to feel the full dose. I was already pretty much shit faced before I took the shot so I figure I got about 10 minutes to live. Most men here would start to tell there loved ones they'll see them in the next life. Not Nick Holmes. I try to find the hottest girl I can before I die but it turns out my penis forgot to share this information with my stomach. I start puking for a good 10 minutes and everyone is cheering me on to see more of the vomit show.

My life is now over. These are the only things I remember for the next several hours to come.

1. I talk to my sister's best friend. She has a pretty nice body, but looks like she got smacked in the face with a frying pan one too many times, Will call her "Pan Face".
2. I make out with Pan Face.
3. I throw up multiple times
4. I make out with Pan Face again.

That's when I completely passed out. I wake up in a chair around our fire pit. Pan Face is on my lap passed out. Adams in the chair next to mine puking up what looked like was his kidneys. Everybody's gone except a couple guys I see passed out on the dirt. The party's over. Or at least I thought it was.

Whisky Dick

I'm still shit faced when I wake up.

That triple shot has to be made out of Lucifer's piss or something.

I start to move around and end up waking up Pan Face who's on top of me. She decides we should go to bed. .

Fuck it i'm drunk.

We go inside the house and into my room. We get into my bed and start making out. Now things start getting really good. Clothes are flying off and everything's going great. There's just one problem. I can't get a boner.I take that back, the triple shot is the hell spawn himself. I always feel obligated to make the girl i'm sleeping with orgasm at least once if not multiple times for some reason, I'm sure ill get over that soon. So my Penis has been shot, gone, left, died whatever it did it was not going to be heading north. Trust me we tried everything to get it up. I got and excellent blowjob for like 10mins, Looks like Pan Face knows how to suck dick, But my penis didn't even twitch. At this point I'm getting frustrated and want to go to bed. Thank god my skills aren't just in my penis. I accomplish my goal and pass out.The next morning I wake up. Pan Face is gone. I go outside and everybody seems to know me and Pan Face Hooked up. I ask myself how. It turns out I have the biggest hickeys all over my neck. No joke these things were fucking huge. It made me look liked I slept with count Dracula or something. Those death bites eventually came off, a fucking MONTH later. Recap-Ok so it turns out that I didn't exactly accomplish my goal for the night. I threw up multiple times. Tried to have sex and failed. And I being an idiot told my family I didn't have sex with Pan Face because I had Whiskey Dick. My new nick name in my family is now WD. Thank you alcohol gods

Super Flaming Shit Story

"Super Flaming Fart Shit Story"

Flaming Fart

The flaming Fart is one of America's most treasured inventions. Now let's make this clear, it's not just your everyday breaking of the wind. Were talking about pants down, some type of fire devise by your asshole, then a full blown inferno. A male cannot fully call himself a man until he has journeyed to the land of farts and set them ablaze. Flaming farts is not only funny but is a great way to claim your territory. If some chump is checking on your women, you best bust a huge flaming fart right in your girls face. The predator will back off knowing he can not compare to your righteous gas. Plus your women will become more attractive to you knowing she has just had heaven blown right up her nostrils. Many people would presume you could never get enough of a flaming fart. So tell me, when is a flaming fart too flaming? I'll tell you when.
When it's a flaming shit.

The Juice

My brother "Stu" was taking this weight lifting supplement at the time. He goes on to tell me how great it was working for him, but had one deadly side affect. The pills he was taking were making it hard for him to control his assholeanary functions. He told me stories were he and his buddy were out jogging, and then BAM, out of no were he drops a huge load. He didn't even feel it come out. He just looked down and realized there's a huge pile of shit running down his leg. Other than the minor shitting in your pants, the pill gets you big and strong, so it's worth it. You get all yoked out so you can finally go and pick up the ladies, but then the pill decides it's going to royally bitch slap you in the face for only charging you $19.95 to become Arnold, and make you shit your pants. So now that you look like the hulk and have more confidence then Richard Simons at a gay convention you can talk to girls now. Here's how a conversation would go with a hot girl if you were on these's pills

You: Hi there you're really hot and I'm really buff. Want to hook up?
Hot Girl: Wow you really are buff. That can't be natural.
You: O it is. Trust me baby. So you want go back to my place?
Hot Girl: Yea sure…… Wait, what's that smell? O my god that smells disgusting. I can't believe this, my nose is actually bleeding. It smells like Rosie O' Donald's Vagina. Do you smell that too? Hold on what's all that brown liquidly stuff dripping down from your pants? Holy shit did you just shit your pants.
You: …………………
Hot Girl: That is fucking gross you sick pervert. You need to see a doctor. Shit is not supposed to smell like that. Shit is supposed to smell like shit and that shit does not smell like shit.
You: O yea well…. Your shit smells like shit.

As you can see these pills get you the ladies for sure, but that's a different story. So my bro comes over that weekend and has major gas. What do we decide to do? The only thing god intends all the true men of earth to do when they have a spree of anal juice. Set his farts on fire.

Super Flaming Shit

It was around two in the morning. Me, my brother Stu, and my brother "Adam" are in the living room. The room smells like manatee shit from Stu laying gas all night. I see Stu playing with his lighter in his hand and I think to myself, do I want to become a man tonight?
Yes, yes I do.
I tell my brother the idea and he immediately agrees. We are going to set his farts on fire. We both thought it was the best plan in the world. It started off as the funniest thing I've ever seen. Every time he had to fart he'd bend over, light the lighter, point, and fire. The funny thing was it actually worked. It was hilarious. But then things got more serious. We wanted to see how big we could get the flame. So he took off his pants. I would later find out this was an extremely bad idea.
It turned into a bloody shit massacre.
I was sitting on the couch when he yells for me to come into the room. I run in and see him bent over, pants down telling me he has a huge gas ball in his ass right now. I grab the lighter, position it by his asshole, and wait.
I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
If you told me before this day it was possible for the human body's hand to move at 100mph I wouldn't have believed you. Those few seconds change everything for me. Here's a play by play on what occurs in the next minute to come.

1-15 Seconds: Stu tells me he's ready
15-30 Seconds: I light the lighter, ready to laugh my ass off
30-45 Seconds: Stu is making a bunch of noises trying to force his fart out.
45-59 Seconds: Still more noises, and then out of nowhere, a huge shit missile fires at me at the speed of light. It literately shot at me. It didnt just flop out. It full blown launched it self out of my brother's ass.
59-60 Seconds: I drop the lighter, move my hand faster than Jenna Jameson, and run out of the room traumatized by having a foot long turd appear magically in front of me as if Merlin was casting a shit spell on me.

I'm out of the room laughing so hard I'm practically yelling. I Try and tell Adam what happen but can't stop laughing. He goes in to see what happened. He observes:

a. Stu on the floor with his pants off laughing.
b. The Smell of shit
c. His sock on the floor
d. A foot long piece of shit on his sock

He then comes out of the room laughing.
People ask me if I regret trying to set a world record flaming fart. ABSOLUTELY NOT. How many people can say they've had a piece of shit launched at them out of someone's ass?

.......That's what I thought.